I was doing a survey tonight and I had to stop and think about the age bracket I was suppose to check, without lying of course, it seemed not long ago I was checking the box 25 to 35, but I froze tonight as I contemplated how old I really am. This is how I found out……
When I was in my 20’s I would go shopping at the Mall, and occasionally have to use the public washrooms, I was born with a narrow urethra ( I call it the Hank Hill Syndrome) if you haven’t watched any King of the Hill TV shows, you won’t understand that joke! Anyways, it takes me a while to pee, as I was sitting there trying to empty my bladder an elderly lady came in and sat in the stall next to me, after the usual rustle of 10 layers of outer garments and the clunk of an old flabby butt landing on the hard plastic toilet seat (but not after wiping it five times ) to follow all the rituals of having a pee there was another ritual I was starting to notice, a tremendously loud flapping burst of air, you could almost picture the 2 flabby, cottage cheesed,varicose veined cheeks vibrating together ! I did almost everything not to laugh but I had to hold my breath until I was purple and gasping for air. That loud flapping noise also carried a smell that could knock a horse over!
This curse followed me what ever Mall or Store washroom I seemed to go, I came to the conclusion all women over the age of 45 fart when sitting down on a toilet would admit a “Poof“ of hot air! But not me, I`d never let it happen! I swore to myself I’d never be so rude to fart in public and even worse a public washroom!
As years went on, one day I was in line waiting to board a city bus at the main bus terminal, I’m not sure if I had a cold or just a tickle in my nose, as I stepped onto the bus I sneezed, at the exact same time I let out a huge fart! Well, I had never been so embarrassed in my life , there was an elderly lady right behind me, (I basically farted in this ladies face!) I turned around and apologized but I could see it didn’t help, she was horrified! I had never seen such a disgusted face on a person in all my life! I bit my lip, It was all I could do to not roll on the floor with laughter! It made me wonder if these elderly ladies in the washrooms did the exact same thing, hold the laugh in until they turned blue or just carried on because it was something they didn’t even notice, kind of like when your dog farts ?
It must of been another 20 years that went by when one day I was out shopping and had to use the public washroom, not long after sitting down ( of course I had to clean the seat first) on that hard plastic seat ………Well,I don`t have to tell you what happened next ! I knew I had reached that age–OLD !.