False Bravado

theaterWe always have to ask ourselves whether the level of risk is worth the story. What is bravery, and what is bravado?Marie Colvin

To everyone that knows me I have always put on a front of humor and carefree attitude, but today I must unmask myself and show I’m just as vulnerable as the next person…

I’m depressed and going down fast…especially after  a phone call from the Vet’s today, Buggz also has Hypothyroidism, an easy fix with pills everyday that aren’t expensive..well, whats not expensive I ask?? Not much she say’s..then she throws in ” He’ll need more blood work in 4 wks…”  Yikes!  We’ve also had to purchase his antibiotic eye drops 3 times since it being prescribed…5ml every 2 hrs. doesn’t go very far!

So your wondering why is this depressing me?? We had to borrow the money to get him the test’s in the first place, then we are $300 short for paying our bills, and Santa never stopped by (but that’s no biggy, we’re not big on buying each other gifts)..I never heard from someone who called me up a couple weeks ago to ask a favour ( a family member I love very much)…I guess that’s all they needed from me. Sad….not even a facebook message.

Then there was Christmas Eve, it wasn’t this persons fault, they were just writing answers to a blog Challenge, ” What was your saddest or worst moment’s in life?”  My mind started swirling,  going over and over all the terrible things I’ve had happen to me in my life and instead of answering this question I just sat and stared at it and started to cry as I am about to now.

I remember my Mother sitting in a chair, she was crying, I put my arms around her and said “Mom, don’t cry” and she whispered in my ear  “She’d never leave me!” Maybe it was that day or the next but she walked out the front door and I never saw her again I was about 7 or 8 …only to learn in a letter from my Grandmother 4 yrs. later that both my mother and sister were dead ….I was never told! I read this letter while sitting in the truck beside my father and damned if I was going to let him see me cry, he had caused enough tears through out my young life, so I held it in and didn’t tell a soul, like many other atrocities that happened to me.

So there, this is why I’m depressed.  Hopefully I’ll snap out of it and maybe talking about here will help and maybe I’ll win the Lotto, ya never know!



5 thoughts on “False Bravado

  1. The story about your mum and sister is just awful, lord knows how you deal with something like that, which surely never ever really goes away.

    I really hope you can beat the bloody depression on the head with a BIG stick, and really, really hope things start to get better. New Year, and new hope. Hugs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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